Yes, I do have alot of scars on my arms and legs. I used to cut myself but now I only cut myself once in a while. I’m really trying to stop.
If you need tips or anything else about self harm - please DON’T BE AFRAID to ask me! I would love to help you. And don’t be afraid to ask me anything about my past, I’ve learned to be very open about it and isn’t afraid of talking about it with anyone.
My first contact with depression was through my mother when I was little. I could remember this wrong but I was just a kid, my memory isn’t the best either but this is what I remember. She stayed home from work a while and I asked her “Why are you home from work today?” and she said that she was ill. Of course my question back was “where does it hurt?” and she said “here” and pointed at her chest. “It hurts in my soul.”
I’ve always felt different and kind of like an outsider whole my life. I’ve always been very sensitive and overdramatic so when something happened it felt like it was ten times worse than it was. When I was a kid I had a lot of friends but I used to hang out with guys more than girls because I just couldn’t handle the girl-problems with lying, talking about others behind their back, bullying and other things. Because I didn’t understand the girl-problems I always ended up fighting with the other girls and I didn’t have many friends I could trust and they couldn’t trust me either. I played my cards wrong. I just wasn’t like them and I’ve always trusted in guys more than girls. At this time everyone was started to grow up and having the latest fashion and looking like everybody else was very important. If you weren’t like they wanted you to be, you weren’t accepted. I didn’t have money to buy expensive clothes, I didn’t even like expensive clothes and I’ve always had some sort of personal style which you can notice now that I’m actually being myself with all my piercings and “weird” clothes.
In middle school when I was 11 I started at a new school and got a new best friend. She had personal problems herself and she bullied me without me understanding it. She wanted me for herself and convinced me that everybody else hated me except her and every time I fell in love or got a new friend she ruined it for me. It was then I started to cut myself because I felt so worthless and the loneliness that I’ve felt all my life just became worse. The first time I hurt myself was when I was 11-12 and I’ve just started watching shows like CSI and in those shows it was always so important with fingerprints. I, who’ve almost always hated myself, thought that the personality and the person you were sat in your fingerprints. So if I could change my fingerprints, I would be somebody else? So I took needles and I tried to cut away my own fingerprints and after that it just got worse.
When I was 13 I had to change school and I could no longer be with my best friend and we lost contact after a while. In my new school it started to really get better, I had new friends and a new light inside of me that I thought I’d lost. But then I started to talk to a guy on the internet that was three years older than me. I really thought he liked me and maybe he did, but it ended with me losing my virginity to him the second time I met him and then I got dumped in a very mean way. I was used and there was no doubt about it, his friends even told me that it had been his plan all along.
I became so lost in myself and started to hate every single inch of me and it just felt like everything around me fell apart and that I was living in a big, black hole.
When I was 15 I got addicted to drugs, sex and alcohol and I was an addict for 2-3 years. During this time I got raped, abused and my life was just chaos, I can’t describe how it was. I got raped one night when I was high and couldn’t fight back against him and sometimes at night I still feel his breath on my neck and it just makes me sick. I wasn’t in school and all I did was sleep, taking drugs and hurting myself with sex and cutting. I still have flashbacks from these years and often it makes my life today a living hell. I started to cut myself even more, especially when I tried to get sober. I replaced the drugs with cigarettes and cutting myself. Today I’ve been sober for many years and I can go out, drink with my friends, but I won’t be an addict again because I know my own strength and my own limits.
My parents have been very supportive and helped me alot during the years, they are my heroes and I love them with all of my heart.
To all of you like me: It’s NEVER too late to stop, it’s never too late to feel better. There is light in life too, you just have to find it. What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger and look at the people around you - they LOVE you, they CARE, they SEE YOU even though you feel invisible, when people HURT you it’s not always that they’re aware of it, some people are just too dumb to know when they’re hurting someone or not, there are GOOD people out there and they want to help you! NEVER GIVE UP, it’s okay to fall sometimes, it only means that you can get up.
And remember when somebody bullies you about your scars it’s only because they don’t understand. It’s hard for outsiders to understand your pain, and it’s not because they’re mean or evil, it’s because THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND.
